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ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 09:35 AM
edited again because I am an idiot.

apparently I wasn't such an idiot after all...sometimes I find it hard to forgive internet people..edited for the last time.sorry,and thanks to all who read it with sincerity.

salsa
02-05-2007, 04:13 PM
I liked this rb but not as much as the others you've posted - I would cut out one or two of the "pain" and find an alt - some good lines here though.

Dreamy5
02-05-2007, 04:22 PM
Very evocative. I'm a little fuzzy on the main thrust, but it's after six pm, a long day, and a glass of wine. But evocative, rich in imagery, poignant, haunting...yep.

ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 07:02 PM
salsa I'm sorry you didn't like it so much but I do appreciate your honesty. I think maybe you are right about all those pains,might have been a reflection on how I felt after beating off the rhyme. The battle was fierce.

Dreamy5,maybe you missed the thrust because it was obliterated by all those pains? Or maybe you just need a bit more wine..I know I had at least 2 glasses every time I picked it up to work on it. :D I think maybe you felt some of the mood I was going for,which is helpful for me to know.

Thank you both for taking the time to read and comment,it really helps me learn. :flowers I may try reworking this one with your thoughts in mind...but later.

Dreamy5
02-05-2007, 07:11 PM
I definitely got the mood. It could have been that you did it too well for me...when I key into negative emotion too keenly I'll often let my mind skitter away. There are times when avoidance/denial can be good for the soul...ha.

ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 07:18 PM
Thanks Dreamy :happy.Hope it didn't get you down too much,the ending was happy.

I didn't see the sarcastic smiley on the avoidance/ denial comment..you are kidding aren't you?

A large dose of the Bard's (and perhaps a bit more wine) makes a great distraction.

Dreamy5
02-05-2007, 07:22 PM
Actually, I'm not kidding. Sometimes a little avoidance can be helpful. If one is too overwhelmed, a bit of denial can help one cope. Scarlett O'Hara said "I'll think about it tomorrow." Once in a while...that's a good idea. The problem is most of us indulge far too much (faaaaaaaaaar too much) in denial. Just ask me -- my other name is Cleopatra.

ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 07:29 PM
Interesting Cleo.For myself distraction is useful but avoidance...well, let's just say it makes me more addled. :D

I find both reading and writing poetry a cathartic distraction.

Dreamy5
02-05-2007, 07:41 PM
I use poetry as an outlet that I give myself permission to do badly. It's ok if it stinks, it's the writing that's fun. Of course, if I had any talent (as do you) it would be a different story.

ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 07:51 PM
Your poetry has touched me and I'm sure many others here,so what's bad?

And I agree it can be fun..Ogden Nash is my hero :D

For me writing this one was more of a challenge than fun because I was going against my natural rhyming self in order to expand my mind...seeing as I have given up drugs....haha.

Dreamy5
02-05-2007, 07:58 PM
Ah, but creating is its own kind of drug...yes?

ravenblanc
02-05-2007, 08:02 PM
You got it. :happy

TigresseBlanca
02-06-2007, 10:50 AM
I like the repetition, it carries the piece, adds structure w/o the rhyme :tiphat

ravenblanc
02-06-2007, 04:53 PM
Hello and welcome TigresseBlanca. :flowers Thanks for your read and comments. This question of whether the repetition was a distraction or added cohesiveness is one I wrestled with for some time and I have never been quite sure which is better. I may never be sure, which is kind of interesting. I appreciate your thoughts.

TigresseBlanca
02-12-2007, 08:57 AM
"You do well,Grasshopper" . None of grows as writers, if we don't try new things. I liked the evocative effect, and the "swing" of it. As i told Dreamy once, a poem should almost have a musical feel to it,as if you could dance to it. Shall we dance? :rahrah

ravenblanc
02-12-2007, 11:57 AM
Shall we dance? :rahrah

Thank you. I should probably learn to hop before I try dancing...but stay tuned. :D

Bard
08-31-2009, 08:01 PM
I guess I missed it? :ohwell

A couple years to late I guess :sadsad

ravenblanc
09-27-2009, 07:25 AM
:ohwell