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View Full Version : Weenies unite


Dreamy5
03-06-2007, 08:48 PM
I'm a weenie, yes I am.
At times I'm even a ham.
Metaphors mixed, but who cares?
Who objects 'sides the squares?

Weenies unite and let's join hands.
We'll play pretend and be brigands!
Tasteless we'll be and be with pride.
Cept me...I'm going to hide.

salsa
03-07-2007, 07:48 PM
I liked stanza 1 ok but the couplet was off and you need to expand on why your a weenie

so the reader can relate better to the flow into stanza 2

where another food reference to go with ham I would suggest eggs would fit nicely other than that it pretty much sucked I mean pretty much was pretty good

Dreamy5
03-08-2007, 01:02 AM
Of course it sucks! LOL!

salsa
03-08-2007, 08:58 AM
I cant believe you didnt take advantage of the fact weenie and dreamy rhyme thats a natural !

You did a good job kid other than that

Dreamy5
03-08-2007, 02:40 PM
Well, Salsa...add to the damn thing, man!